The Reverence-worthy Random Flinging-About of Dog's Wisdom

 

Author's Note:  This is a listing of important dates and occurances

and things that I have taken from the ancient text of Dog that is

currently being excavated and milked in France.

 

August 23, 456325635 B.C.

The Day of the Wolves

 

It was on this day that several million wolves rained down from the

heavens onto the earth.  These wolves were carnal creatures, attacking

the primitive life they found, ravaging across the land and painting

pictures of pretty things all over your mom's house.  These wolves gradually

developed into dogs through the process of Bear.  The dogs were more

intelligent and cunning, which only made them more ruthless.  Then one

day, a dog decided the pointless slaughter of man was pointless and slaughtery.

This dog brought forth magical animals.  These animals worked together

and locked the dogs inside of a cupboard.  Then the animals ate the animals.

Then the dogs ate the dogs.  Then the dog that was left wrote his stories down

on a piece of paper that some kid saw and tore to shreds.  This paper then

went on to be a revered paper that many philosophers studied.  They couldn't

read the dog's scribbled writing, and thusly they all were swallowed by catfish.

 

January 4, 56 A.D.

The Other Day

 

One time I saw a gopher.  He was sitting there and this milk truck ran him over.

Then the gopher ran away.  Then the milk truck ran away, and I got a blister

on my face from all the sauce.  My mom says it was an allergic reaction, but

I think I saw a ghost in my hat.  From now on I'm never taking my hat off again.

 

February 6, 56 A.D.

That One Time

 

I took my hat off.  So sue me.

 

March 25, 59 A.D.

Dogmas

 

This was the day some dog was born.  This dog decided to teach people to read

dog handwriting.  He spread out through the land, until he was several thousand miles

wide.  He taught many, many people to read dog writing, and they all read the

Paper of Dog.  Thusly they were saved from their fate to be swallowed by catfish.

This dog was named, Benji.  Benji's name was Henry.  Henry went on to be

very famous, and he found a man named Benji to write down the information on the

Paper of Dog in human writing.  Benji thanked Henry for helping, then Henry shot

Benji in the abdomen until he burst into flames, then Benji smacked Henry into the

gutter and back.  The two crawled inside of each other and a passing artist stole the

Paper of Dog.  He couldn't read the human writing or the dog writing because he

was a human.  He gave the paper to his sheep.  Thus was the beginning of the ultimate menace.

 

March 26, 59 A.D.

Dogsterday

 

The dog and the man who were inside of each other were seen by a young man named

Milo.  Milo saw the two inside of each other, a sight unexplainable in human words.

So he recorded on a Post-It Note how special and sacred this process was.

This Post-It Note was passed down through generations, and followers of the Book

of Dog know just how sacred and important it is.  The Bear, Goat, Duck and Lemur perform

this ritual on a constant basis to regulate bodily waste dispersal and hold timepieces

onto their course to make sure you aren't late.  Milo then shoved Benji and Henry into a cave

where wolves tacked them up on the wall and marveled at their warmth and generosity.

 

September 30, 59 A.D.

Sheeplar Remmachaletsu Gonnarata Kennesemmit Selitenstrum Anularmfulusk Terptin

Translated from the Dog language, this means

The Day the Sheep Did Something We Chose To Make a Really Long Name For

 

On this day, the sheep of the wandering artist whose name is not known finished "translating"

the Paper of Dog.  However, the sheep purposely claimed this paper said stuff it didn't.

The artist, named Amerigo Hime, didn't fall for this for one minute.  He locked the sheep away

forever then shot it in the face with his gun.  Amerigo was suckered into believing what the sheep

told him, and he followed the sheep's every word as the sheep insisted this is what the sacred

paper told him to.  Eventually, he figured out the sheep's secret, and he

locked it away forever, shooting it in the body several times with his gun.

Handed down through the Hime family was a box, the contents unknown.  No one ever

opened this box.  Inside of the box was the sheep's false translation of the Paper of Dog.

The Hime family read this paper daily, and followed it devoutly.  Then one fateful

day, young Andrew Hime decided to open the box that had never been opened before.

He read this paper.  He was quoted as saying, "This is cool."  Andrew then began a life of servitude

to the evil words of the sheep, calling forth sheep from all over the place to help him out.

Andrew looked at the box for several minutes, then decided to leave it closed

and go watch something on TV.  Andrew walked away without opening the box.

He then sat in front of the TV for seventy days without turning it on.

 

August 23, 1600 A.D.

Milk Day

 

Some stuff happened.  They drank milk and stuff to celebrate.

 

March 37, 1953 A.D.

Bear Day

 

This isn't a day at all.  Bears are lethal.

 

May 26, 2000 A.D.

Andrew's Marathon

 

Andrew stared at a blank TV screen for seventy days starting at this day.

Then he vomited profusely and ran through the streets with no pants on screaming

"I am the Angel of Death!  Mark thine doors with the blood of a lamb lest thine

first born be slain!"

 

I thank you for reading about how dogs did cool stuff in the past.  I hope

it will remind you that Dog is a wonderful dog whom you should follow.  Right

into a seven.