A room, set in a deep shade of dark...barely audible are the sounds of faint sloshing and puffing....as your eyes adjust, you see two goats sitting in a gigantic factory vat of cherry Jell-O.  These goats are smoking crack cocaine.  Suddenly, a large floodlight fills the room with brilliance, and the goats turn to the light as they hear the stern voice of an F.B.I. agent through a megaphone demand:  "FREEZE, GOATS!!"  "BAAAA-AAAA!!!"

During this brief instant, the goats' pupils are still adjusting to the light...they quickly fling their front legs in front of their faces and turn, sloshing the Jell-O they find themselves knee-deep in, to their small, floating tray of crack and matches.  The goats quickly begin lighting up the crack as fast as they possibly can, smoking down sticks in mere seconds.   Gunfire is heard and bullets are seen piercing the Jell-O.  The goats, rubbing red eyes, finish the last of the crack and dunk their heads under the Jell-O.

Despite rushed efforts, the goats have drowned in Jell-O by the time they are reached.  Two stretchers, each with a dead, red-tinted goat sprawled across them, are rolled off...several hours are spent suctioning the excess Jell-O from the goats' lungs and throats.  The goats gave up their lives rather than giving up crack.  These goats were always straight A students, and produced fine milk.  Many wonder how this could've happened...

10:23 P.M., Monday, March 3, 1999.  A police cruiser begins to follow a wavering '91 Ford Mustang, turning on it's siren.  The driver does not comply, but swerves off the road, into an emergency flood deposit.  The car hits unevenly and is stuck at a nearly vertical angle.  The driver, a shabby old goat, fumbles with the door and rolls out, landing in the mud and fleeing quickly into a drain tube.  The policeman slides down into the hole and persues.  By this time, another police officer has pulled up on the other time.  The confused goat continues toward the light on the other end, only to find another officer.  The goat head-butts the officer and runs past, hopping into the police car.  It drives off towards the city.

It is quickly stopped by officers.  It begins flailing and biting savagely.  Several officers take sharp blows, but the goat is contained and cuffed.  It continues to fight but can barely move.  The officers shine a light to the goat's eyes.

   "This goat is high..."  comments an officer.  Upon inspection of the goat, bags of crack are found in its posession.  "Goat, can you understand me?"  Says an officer to the goat, who is forced to the ground and face-down to the cement.  "Baa....BAAAaa....."

"Goat..."  continues the officer.  "Did you take this crack cocaine?"  "BAAAAHHH BAAAAAH!!!!!!!"  wails the goat, flinging back and forth, screaming and crying.  "Goat!!  GOAT!!  Stop it, goat!  Did you take this crack cocaine?!?!"

"BAAAAAAAHHH-BAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!"  Cries the goat.  "Goat, you're under arrest for possessing and using illegal drugs."

The goat was sentenced to prison time.  The goat's identity was verified as the mother of one of the two goats who killed themselves in the Jell-O factory.  The mother of the other goat was suspected as well.

6:54 P.M., Wednesday, March 5th, 1999.  Police officers arrive at the other goat mother's home and ring the doorbell.  "Excuse me, goat?  We have some questions for you."  informs the officer upon seeing the goat answer the door.

"Baaah?  Bahh baahh....."  replies the goat, inviting the officers in and hiding its fear.  The goat had not seen the dog behind the officers.  It began barking insanely and it started running into the house.  The goat ran into its bedroom promptly, and reached into the dresser.  It removed a small plastic bag and ran to the bathroom with it, flushing it hastily.

The police kicked down the locked bedroom door and the dog rushed through, and into the bathroom, putting its paws upon the toilet rim and barking as the bag swirled away.  The police apprehended the goat and dragged it backwards.  It scrambled madly for the counter next to the bed, but the police sprayed its eyes with pepper spray.  "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"  exclaimed the goat, shaking its head and rubbing its eyes against the officers who held its arms in place.  The dog turned and ran to the counter and barked and sniffed at it.  The goat cried and wailed as one of the officers held it and the other checked the counter.  When the officer pulled out another bag of crack and identified it, the goat screamed horridly and its head fell downward as it cried more.  The officers arrested it as well.

These goats are believed to be the source of their kids' crack and their habits of using it.  It is VITAL, not only for the health of the parent, but for the young goat as well, that you make sure parental goats you may know do not use drugs.  Teenage goats are very impressionable and lives can be ruined or ended.  Please...take care of goats, and make sure they don't harm themselves and each other.  Thank you.